Douchebag Exemption: All Aboard Amtrak

This past weekend, I found myself acting like a complete douchebag. After careful review of the evidence, I have decided that like all rules, the rules of douchedom must have exceptions as well. 

Therfore: One can act like a douchebag when dealing with Amtrak ticket window workers.

Here's what happened. I used points to book a ticket to San Diego, but when I showed up to collect my ticket, I was told that I was traveling on a "blackout date" and I should pay up. Well, since I had an email receipt with a reservation for a free ticket, I decided I shouldn't have to pay up. 

But since I booked my ticket through Amtrak Guest Rewards, you see, the agent at the counter couldn't help me. They have no way of communicating. I had to get on the phone and call the guest rewards people myself. And so, after being told that they made an uncorrectable mistake, and me, with a train to catch and a principle to stand on - I proceeded to yell and scream and generally act like a douchebag.

And thus, be it known, you are allowed to act like a douchebag in the face of municipal bureaucracy.

Clipping Things to Your Belt

Can someone please explain why grown men clip things to their belts - when they have pockets?

Clipping the easy glide blackberry holster on is not cool. Is it really that much easier than reaching into your pocket? And don't tell me you're concerned about having lumpy things in your pocket - because if you were concerned with things like fashion and how the lump looks in your pocket, then you wouldn't clip things to your belt, would you now?

The only people who should be clipping are doctors and carpenters. Doctors with all the pagers, and carpenters with the tools. Clipping anything else makes you a tool. 

Don't even get me started on fanny packs.

Alex Rodriguez

A-Rod, A-Fraud, A-Roid...

Douchebag.

The guy is a steroid injecting, prostitute frequenting, douchebag. He cheats at and on everything. His wife. The game of baseball, not once but twice. And when he cheats at baseball, it's not savvy cheating, it's schoolyard, girly-man cheating.

Forget the he's overpaid argument. Forget that I'm a Red Sox fan. He's so self-absorbed, so concerned with his image that he will never rise above himself. He creates conflict in the clubhouse and, so long as all he cares about is his numbers - both on the field and in his wallet - the Yankees, mark my words, will never win a World Series. Not so long as he's on the team. 

Bye bye Curse of the Bambino. Hello Curse of the Douche.

If You've Never Waited Tables, You Might be a Douchebag

If you're at a restaurant, and you've finished your dessert, and your coffee, and people are waiting for a table. Please leave.

It's a douchebag move not to. You can obviously continue your conversation elsewhere - another restaurant perhaps, your living room. By staying, you've decided that you are clearly more important than those who want to dine, as well as the restaurant, which needs to turn tables in order to make money.

Most importantly though, you're being a douchebag to the wait staff, who make money off tips. Every minute you linger, you're pulling money out of their pockets. Listen, I'm not talking about being rushed through your meal. I'm saying you're that movie that everyone in the audience thinks is over - and then suddenly launches into a random 4th act. Don't be that person.

And if you had ever waited tables, you would know that, and be thinking about that, and thus, not a douchebag.

You Don't Have to be RIch to be My Douche

John D. Arnold.

Founder, Centaurus Energy, a Hedge Fund (Douchey name. Centaur. A little too much Dungeons and Dragons methinks.)

First claim to Douchedom: Worked for Enron. Remember those awesome guys. Blacked out the state of California for a profit.

Recent Douchiness: Made 1.5 billion this year with his other centaurs. Yes, you are allowed to hate someone for getting rich while everyone else is losing their money. Because, more likely than not, they are profiting off of your hardship.

Updating Your Facebook Status ALL THE TIME

This is not only douchey, but annoying. First of all, stop telling me what you are up to every moment of the day. Save it for significant events. Facebook is like the Boy Who Cried Wolf - cry too often and no one cares.

People Who Try to Get on the Airplane First

We're all going to the same place, in the same plane, in assigned seats. Why exactly do you need to be on the plane first? Oh, you're carting the largest carry-on bag ever and want to guarantee space for it. It's called gate check. They put it under the plane and then take it off so you get it when you walk off.

Sit down and wait for your row to be announced. Stop crowding the boarding area, making me cart my wheely carry-on over your feet, muttering "douchebags" silently to myself as I try to board when called.